A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....PROUD
Replies (20)
MrBrownstone on 01/15/2009 07:59:31
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....USFLAG
admin on 01/15/2009 10:12:18
LMAO HAPPY
swez on 01/16/2009 07:34:57
Hey B,
Add a few more of those you passed to me the other day just for fun. Some were pretty good and we all need a good laugh right now!
Swez
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:13:54
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:14:47
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I am not Happy!!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:15:32
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
ttocs on 01/16/2009 15:49:52
a man and a woman got married. After the honeymoon, THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTS.
cplkittle on 01/18/2009 14:11:53
AFTER THE FIGHT HAD ENDED,
I had my wife on her knees crying, apologizing, and begging me...
to come out from under the bed.
Ash on 01/18/2009 15:11:05
LOL!! You all are crazy! Sad part is I can see some of it actually happening....
ttocs on 01/19/2009 16:48:23
have you guys ever heard the man song? HE'S THE MAN!
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she should have heard you the first 2 times.....
Why are womens feet smaller? ITs an evolution thing that allows them to stand closer to the counter.
What is the worst thing ever put in a kitchen? A window.
What is the first thing a woman does after commin home from the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what is good for her.
MrBrownstone on 01/20/2009 13:35:35
After looking at the temperature in MN, I think I just collected disability
swez on 01/20/2009 17:54:23
Hey B, I think we're on the same page for different reasons.
After our franchise closed up shop in December 08, (Merry Christmas huh?) am wondering what it would take to get disability benefits. My body's all messed up from a cycle accident 30 years ago and physical labor jobs just add to the the daily aches & pains.
Yeah, I've learned to cope with this, but living on Motrin is not good for the liver and kidneys. After 14 months on the last job, it's almost a blessing not to go back. My back feels better. So do the knees and no more get ups at 4:30 AM each day and pounding it out for 10-12 hours a day for peanuts.
Does anyone know about Google selling programs that pay well and one can make good cash and work from their home office? Pt/Ft
http://www.deliciousdownloads.com/z/googlepro/?cy=1&pr=1&af=7&ad=2&rs1=882730134&rs2=619
I know... if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is! The pitch is to sign up, pay $4.00 S/H for the starter kit. (Normally $197.00)
My quess is this is a big teaser game. You get a cheap starter kit with some flashy fliers, lots of glowing testimonials from users that did well or are ficticious and then they ask for the next set of installments until one has been bitten for $500.00 and get very little in return.
In the meantime, they sell all your personal information and you get spammed to death by phone, e-mail and snail mail. That's my read on this one. Can any here shed some light on this one?
Swez
ttocs on 01/20/2009 20:13:10
they are jokes swez, can't believe you took me serious...
I too have been looking into places that I can work from home.
http://www.alpineaccess.com/external/index.html
http://www.arise.com/Content/default.asp
http://www.liveops.com/
http://www.westathome.com/
I found these in an msn article and they seem to be legitimate...
swez on 01/21/2009 02:20:38
Cool... I guess I just need to know where your joke meter is calibrated Scott. To me, quality relationships are like a beautiful garden. We have to tend to them carefully to make it grow to full potential.
I would never slide a left-handed compliment, (Slap) type joke toward you or any other CK members or readers. Same goes for a gal I hope to find and finish our days as marrieds.
Yeah, maybe I am "old school" in a lot of ways, but I have never had a long term friendship that was not based on trust, mutual respect and lots of positive affirmation. Life is hard enough in the world we now live in today. It was not always that way. People helped out others and were happy to do so when they could. Today, there are toooo many that listen to the wrong message... WIIFM (What's in it for me)
Thanks for the links. I'll have a look as we both seem to be in a similar boat. The Corporate world has little future for the average employee. We are just a number and a statistic at the whims of a P&L plot. If the company is making a profit, we are fine. If the trends are falling into the red ink, many people are expedible. Look around, we have averaged job losses of 360,000 to over 500,000 a month for some time now. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
This is an employers bonanza at the moment. There's a lot of lies, half truths and scummy deals out there to choose from. The talent pool is large, but I am fed up w/ scum-bag employers that just use their employees until they burn out and simply place a cheap ad to fill the spots as good people burn out and get peanuts for their well-above average contributions.
Swez
Victor on 01/21/2009 03:43:34
Swez ... ain't you taxing your brains just a lil' bit more ... ?
ttocs on 01/21/2009 12:00:05
this is too serious for me now, I thought we were tellin jokes...
MrBrownstone on 01/21/2009 12:17:56
No shizz. I try to bring some levity to this place and you guys get all Meatloaf melodramatic on me.
Take it away Swez....
swez on 01/21/2009 13:27:19
Na, your're right guys... I just needed to vent a little as sometimes life feels so out of our control. I'll delete the rant, but the facts are still with us.
Hehe, I could use a vacation in a warm place, plenty of sun and a few pretty gals to serve up some cold beer. Bring back the jokes as laughter is good medicine.
Swez
MrBrownstone on 01/22/2009 13:22:28
I meant "...paradise by the dashboard lights.." you monkey
swez on 01/22/2009 15:11:17
Ahhh, that explains the cravings for bananas of late. I just thought the extra facial hair was to keep warm and maybe a potassium deficiency.
Actually, the tune that fits best would be: "Life is a Lemon" (And I want my money back!) hehe
Swez
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'
AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED....PROUD
Replies (20)
MrBrownstone on 01/15/2009 07:59:31
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office!
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'
And then the fight started.....USFLAG
admin on 01/15/2009 10:12:18
LMAO HAPPY
swez on 01/16/2009 07:34:57
Hey B,
Add a few more of those you passed to me the other day just for fun. Some were pretty good and we all need a good laugh right now!
Swez
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:13:54
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:14:47
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I am not Happy!!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started.....
MrBrownstone on 01/16/2009 13:15:32
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And then the fight started.....
ttocs on 01/16/2009 15:49:52
a man and a woman got married. After the honeymoon, THATS WHEN THE FIGHT STARTS.
cplkittle on 01/18/2009 14:11:53
AFTER THE FIGHT HAD ENDED,
I had my wife on her knees crying, apologizing, and begging me...
to come out from under the bed.
Ash on 01/18/2009 15:11:05
LOL!! You all are crazy! Sad part is I can see some of it actually happening....
ttocs on 01/19/2009 16:48:23
have you guys ever heard the man song? HE'S THE MAN!
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she should have heard you the first 2 times.....
Why are womens feet smaller? ITs an evolution thing that allows them to stand closer to the counter.
What is the worst thing ever put in a kitchen? A window.
What is the first thing a woman does after commin home from the battered womens shelter? The dishes if she knows what is good for her.
MrBrownstone on 01/20/2009 13:35:35
After looking at the temperature in MN, I think I just collected disability
swez on 01/20/2009 17:54:23
Hey B, I think we're on the same page for different reasons.
After our franchise closed up shop in December 08, (Merry Christmas huh?) am wondering what it would take to get disability benefits. My body's all messed up from a cycle accident 30 years ago and physical labor jobs just add to the the daily aches & pains.
Yeah, I've learned to cope with this, but living on Motrin is not good for the liver and kidneys. After 14 months on the last job, it's almost a blessing not to go back. My back feels better. So do the knees and no more get ups at 4:30 AM each day and pounding it out for 10-12 hours a day for peanuts.
Does anyone know about Google selling programs that pay well and one can make good cash and work from their home office? Pt/Ft
http://www.deliciousdownloads.com/z/googlepro/?cy=1&pr=1&af=7&ad=2&rs1=882730134&rs2=619
I know... if it sounds too good to be true, it usually is! The pitch is to sign up, pay $4.00 S/H for the starter kit. (Normally $197.00)
My quess is this is a big teaser game. You get a cheap starter kit with some flashy fliers, lots of glowing testimonials from users that did well or are ficticious and then they ask for the next set of installments until one has been bitten for $500.00 and get very little in return.
In the meantime, they sell all your personal information and you get spammed to death by phone, e-mail and snail mail. That's my read on this one. Can any here shed some light on this one?
Swez
ttocs on 01/20/2009 20:13:10
they are jokes swez, can't believe you took me serious...
I too have been looking into places that I can work from home.
http://www.alpineaccess.com/external/index.html
http://www.arise.com/Content/default.asp
http://www.liveops.com/
http://www.westathome.com/
I found these in an msn article and they seem to be legitimate...
swez on 01/21/2009 02:20:38
Cool... I guess I just need to know where your joke meter is calibrated Scott. To me, quality relationships are like a beautiful garden. We have to tend to them carefully to make it grow to full potential.
I would never slide a left-handed compliment, (Slap) type joke toward you or any other CK members or readers. Same goes for a gal I hope to find and finish our days as marrieds.
Yeah, maybe I am "old school" in a lot of ways, but I have never had a long term friendship that was not based on trust, mutual respect and lots of positive affirmation. Life is hard enough in the world we now live in today. It was not always that way. People helped out others and were happy to do so when they could. Today, there are toooo many that listen to the wrong message... WIIFM (What's in it for me)
Thanks for the links. I'll have a look as we both seem to be in a similar boat. The Corporate world has little future for the average employee. We are just a number and a statistic at the whims of a P&L plot. If the company is making a profit, we are fine. If the trends are falling into the red ink, many people are expedible. Look around, we have averaged job losses of 360,000 to over 500,000 a month for some time now. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
This is an employers bonanza at the moment. There's a lot of lies, half truths and scummy deals out there to choose from. The talent pool is large, but I am fed up w/ scum-bag employers that just use their employees until they burn out and simply place a cheap ad to fill the spots as good people burn out and get peanuts for their well-above average contributions.
Swez
Victor on 01/21/2009 03:43:34
Swez ... ain't you taxing your brains just a lil' bit more ... ?
ttocs on 01/21/2009 12:00:05
this is too serious for me now, I thought we were tellin jokes...
MrBrownstone on 01/21/2009 12:17:56
No shizz. I try to bring some levity to this place and you guys get all Meatloaf melodramatic on me.
Take it away Swez....
swez on 01/21/2009 13:27:19
Na, your're right guys... I just needed to vent a little as sometimes life feels so out of our control. I'll delete the rant, but the facts are still with us.
Hehe, I could use a vacation in a warm place, plenty of sun and a few pretty gals to serve up some cold beer. Bring back the jokes as laughter is good medicine.
Swez
MrBrownstone on 01/22/2009 13:22:28
I meant "...paradise by the dashboard lights.." you monkey
swez on 01/22/2009 15:11:17
Ahhh, that explains the cravings for bananas of late. I just thought the extra facial hair was to keep warm and maybe a potassium deficiency.
Actually, the tune that fits best would be: "Life is a Lemon" (And I want my money back!) hehe
Swez
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