So the wife and I have been at it like cats and dogs for the past few weeks. Life has been terrible for me lately. Depression has set in. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I am just miserable. I thought all was lost until my wife came crawling up to me today on her hands and her knees and said " get out from under the bed and talk to me like a man."
Replies (8)
Ash on 09/28/2007 01:06:52
We all go through it sometimes, but what really matter is that you, as a man, communicate clearly how you feel or perceive a situation. But at the same time have the compassion and understanding to be able to see their point of view as well.
All this must be done in a way that is not demeaning to the other's individualism. If that doesn't work, then at least you know you acted accordingly. That's how I always work to solve relationship problems.
Dr. Ash,
swez on 09/28/2007 08:28:57
Ouch... this one sounds too familiar and not at all uncommon. Here, a very delicate approach of listening/hearing and shedding the armor of protection we men typically employ, is in order. (Dr. Ash is spot on too)
Becoming more transparent about our feelings and inner battles are not an easy process for men. (But it can be done in small, measured steps) Women have this process down to a science naturally. (Very relational and highly verbal about their needs, desires and hurts) It's a lot harder for men to learn these skills, but not impossible. Most women have these skills honed to tee and we can learn from them if we invest the time.
It sounds like your lady is begging/fighting to have her beloved husband back and fully engaged in some key areas that have fallen off the radar screen. That is a good thing, but it's also messy and very uncomfortable as well. Embrace this now and there's a good chance it can be nipped in the bud, before things get well out of hand.
To begin the process of healing, it takes a lot of deep communication. It's not about the "blame game" scenario. (Tit for tat spats and fault-finding) However, it is more about listening, putting ourselves in each others' shoes and walking through the landmines of life, "hand in hand".
Here's a link that might help identify common ground:
http://www.askmarsvenus.com/Article.php?id=40
FYI: It took some time to get to this stage of disrepair. It will take some time to unravel the hurts and create new and better ways to deal with them. It may even require a skilled "moderator" to help draw new plans and map out a fresh strategy for all parties concerned. This could be a older and wiser friend, a Pastor, a Counselor or the like.
Are you still traveling a lot for the new job? If yes, this is very hard on any relationship. She's home tending to the daily fires and you're out slaying dragons to bring home the bacon. If that is at the center of many disputes and flarings, a few minor/major changes may be required. It's very difficult to engage when both parties are at their wits ends when the weekend comes and couples are faced with all the carnage that builds up each week of separation and being disconnected.
There's a great book out there that has helped many couples grapple with our differences. "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". (Dr. John Gray) Get 2 books, one for her and one for you. Reading them and then setting aside time to talk things over and use the book as a guide to setting the small goals for each chat. This book is very good at starting the process of reconciliation.
Keep talking and sharing. It gets easier as we practice the basics and move up to graduate level mastery. You have my phone number yes? Use it if you so desire. If it got lost, email me and I'll pass it back to you. swezdp@yahoo.com
Swez
PS Military training is needed when one is in the middle of a war zone. But it really screws up "softer skills" side of a person who has now transitioned back to normal life. Look under the hood for these viruses that are often deeply embedded. They need to be found, overwritten or re-programmed. This type of programming is noxious and harmful when they remain on the hard drive too long and fester.
cplkittle on 09/28/2007 10:27:42
I really botched that one up..
that was supposed to be a joke
I am amazed though at the thorough and comforting words and the willingness to jump on this topic. I will keep this in mind as my relationship with my wife is not always a smooth one.
swez on 09/28/2007 14:49:28
Boy, did you ever botch that punch line!
For a moment, I thought this was a real crisis and you had the unction to take action and felt comfortable enough to come here and ask for some input? Well, now we know it is indeed safe to be a bit more transparent in this forum.
Funny guy, GRIN
Swez
PS Sometimes the only thing one can think of when others are badgering us to death, is to run and hide out for a while. Every man I know, needs some "cave time" once in a while. (I sure do at times)
ttocs on 09/28/2007 16:33:12
i was going to chime in with my advise that marrage is for suckers.............
DON'T SUCK!!!!
cplkittle on 09/29/2007 00:14:14
Trust me, Swez.. If I ever had a crisis as such if I didn't come here, I would atleast send you an email. I know enough to know that I don't know it all.
I haven't thought much about what my house will look like someday, but I have put alot of thought into my 'man cave' or garage as most women call it.
ttocs, my dad once told me that marriage was nothing more than legalized prostitution.
MrBrownstone on 09/29/2007 13:38:04
1/2 of my friends who've taken the plunge have asked for a life preserver. The other 1/2 are looking at 10 yrs with no parole. By no parole, I mean they've served or are on their way to serving 10 yrs with their spouse--and are doing well.
-Marriage is punishment for capital crimes in some countries.
-Marriage is like a convenience store. O sure, everything is overpriced and there's no selection. But at 3am in the morning, there's just not much else open.
-Marriage is like the Exxon Valdez, 1 spill, and you'll be paying for the rest of your life.
Love, Al Bundy
On a serious note, everyone goes thru struggles in their relationships. From what I've observed in all my friends who have ended their marriage, it came down to the very foundation that caused the split.
Marriage, for 1000s of years, was a religious committment. Not to 2 people, but to 2 people to God. Law/govt got involved after divorce became commonplace to settle the separation of property. Many folks get married at the Justice of the Peace, and in my opinion, are missing the whole point of marriage.
If you don't believe in the principles of God & marriage, just don't bother getting married as you don't believe in the foundation that holds up the relationship thru sickness, health, richness or poverty---and all the other trials & tribs that make a marriage a committment.
My advice is to get a moderator, counselor or someone skilled in relationships, to diagnose the major problems and find out all the little ones that add to the agony. Once you've solved the relationship issue, you can begin to look at the commitment standpoint. Do you really belong in this marriage in the first place?
Ideally, and the only way it works, is if both parties recognize that they've entered into an agreement that is a comittment to a higher cause, and is bigger than either of them. If you don't believe in that one principle, you are not married, you have entered a civil union. One that is fallible, can be broken, and doesn't have any spiritual connection. Just a business proposition.
Don't take my advice, get the counsel of many on this. But do find someone that can accurately diagnose all of the issues that have made your relationship such a struggle.
So long as there's fighting, there's a fighting chance. When noone cares anymore, it's really over.
ttocs on 09/29/2007 14:38:57
DON'T SUCK..............
Replies (8)
Ash on 09/28/2007 01:06:52
We all go through it sometimes, but what really matter is that you, as a man, communicate clearly how you feel or perceive a situation. But at the same time have the compassion and understanding to be able to see their point of view as well.
All this must be done in a way that is not demeaning to the other's individualism. If that doesn't work, then at least you know you acted accordingly. That's how I always work to solve relationship problems.
Dr. Ash,
swez on 09/28/2007 08:28:57
Ouch... this one sounds too familiar and not at all uncommon. Here, a very delicate approach of listening/hearing and shedding the armor of protection we men typically employ, is in order. (Dr. Ash is spot on too)
Becoming more transparent about our feelings and inner battles are not an easy process for men. (But it can be done in small, measured steps) Women have this process down to a science naturally. (Very relational and highly verbal about their needs, desires and hurts) It's a lot harder for men to learn these skills, but not impossible. Most women have these skills honed to tee and we can learn from them if we invest the time.
It sounds like your lady is begging/fighting to have her beloved husband back and fully engaged in some key areas that have fallen off the radar screen. That is a good thing, but it's also messy and very uncomfortable as well. Embrace this now and there's a good chance it can be nipped in the bud, before things get well out of hand.
To begin the process of healing, it takes a lot of deep communication. It's not about the "blame game" scenario. (Tit for tat spats and fault-finding) However, it is more about listening, putting ourselves in each others' shoes and walking through the landmines of life, "hand in hand".
Here's a link that might help identify common ground:
http://www.askmarsvenus.com/Article.php?id=40
FYI: It took some time to get to this stage of disrepair. It will take some time to unravel the hurts and create new and better ways to deal with them. It may even require a skilled "moderator" to help draw new plans and map out a fresh strategy for all parties concerned. This could be a older and wiser friend, a Pastor, a Counselor or the like.
Are you still traveling a lot for the new job? If yes, this is very hard on any relationship. She's home tending to the daily fires and you're out slaying dragons to bring home the bacon. If that is at the center of many disputes and flarings, a few minor/major changes may be required. It's very difficult to engage when both parties are at their wits ends when the weekend comes and couples are faced with all the carnage that builds up each week of separation and being disconnected.
There's a great book out there that has helped many couples grapple with our differences. "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". (Dr. John Gray) Get 2 books, one for her and one for you. Reading them and then setting aside time to talk things over and use the book as a guide to setting the small goals for each chat. This book is very good at starting the process of reconciliation.
Keep talking and sharing. It gets easier as we practice the basics and move up to graduate level mastery. You have my phone number yes? Use it if you so desire. If it got lost, email me and I'll pass it back to you. swezdp@yahoo.com
Swez
PS Military training is needed when one is in the middle of a war zone. But it really screws up "softer skills" side of a person who has now transitioned back to normal life. Look under the hood for these viruses that are often deeply embedded. They need to be found, overwritten or re-programmed. This type of programming is noxious and harmful when they remain on the hard drive too long and fester.
cplkittle on 09/28/2007 10:27:42
I really botched that one up..
that was supposed to be a joke
I am amazed though at the thorough and comforting words and the willingness to jump on this topic. I will keep this in mind as my relationship with my wife is not always a smooth one.
swez on 09/28/2007 14:49:28
Boy, did you ever botch that punch line!
For a moment, I thought this was a real crisis and you had the unction to take action and felt comfortable enough to come here and ask for some input? Well, now we know it is indeed safe to be a bit more transparent in this forum.
Funny guy, GRIN
Swez
PS Sometimes the only thing one can think of when others are badgering us to death, is to run and hide out for a while. Every man I know, needs some "cave time" once in a while. (I sure do at times)
ttocs on 09/28/2007 16:33:12
i was going to chime in with my advise that marrage is for suckers.............
DON'T SUCK!!!!
cplkittle on 09/29/2007 00:14:14
Trust me, Swez.. If I ever had a crisis as such if I didn't come here, I would atleast send you an email. I know enough to know that I don't know it all.
I haven't thought much about what my house will look like someday, but I have put alot of thought into my 'man cave' or garage as most women call it.
ttocs, my dad once told me that marriage was nothing more than legalized prostitution.
MrBrownstone on 09/29/2007 13:38:04
1/2 of my friends who've taken the plunge have asked for a life preserver. The other 1/2 are looking at 10 yrs with no parole. By no parole, I mean they've served or are on their way to serving 10 yrs with their spouse--and are doing well.
-Marriage is punishment for capital crimes in some countries.
-Marriage is like a convenience store. O sure, everything is overpriced and there's no selection. But at 3am in the morning, there's just not much else open.
-Marriage is like the Exxon Valdez, 1 spill, and you'll be paying for the rest of your life.
Love, Al Bundy
On a serious note, everyone goes thru struggles in their relationships. From what I've observed in all my friends who have ended their marriage, it came down to the very foundation that caused the split.
Marriage, for 1000s of years, was a religious committment. Not to 2 people, but to 2 people to God. Law/govt got involved after divorce became commonplace to settle the separation of property. Many folks get married at the Justice of the Peace, and in my opinion, are missing the whole point of marriage.
If you don't believe in the principles of God & marriage, just don't bother getting married as you don't believe in the foundation that holds up the relationship thru sickness, health, richness or poverty---and all the other trials & tribs that make a marriage a committment.
My advice is to get a moderator, counselor or someone skilled in relationships, to diagnose the major problems and find out all the little ones that add to the agony. Once you've solved the relationship issue, you can begin to look at the commitment standpoint. Do you really belong in this marriage in the first place?
Ideally, and the only way it works, is if both parties recognize that they've entered into an agreement that is a comittment to a higher cause, and is bigger than either of them. If you don't believe in that one principle, you are not married, you have entered a civil union. One that is fallible, can be broken, and doesn't have any spiritual connection. Just a business proposition.
Don't take my advice, get the counsel of many on this. But do find someone that can accurately diagnose all of the issues that have made your relationship such a struggle.
So long as there's fighting, there's a fighting chance. When noone cares anymore, it's really over.
ttocs on 09/29/2007 14:38:57
DON'T SUCK..............
Copyright ClubKnowledge 2009 * All Rights Reserved
