It's the slow part of the year now (winter, butt cold here) and maybe we can have some fun as we while-a-way the days. Care to add a few... be my guest!
1. Years ago a friend was driving his late '60s muscle car on a turnpike at about 100 MPH. Soon an officer sternly stated, "License and registration."
Several minutes later he returned with a written warning for driving 100 in a 65 zone.
The offender said, "Not to be disrespectful, but how do you decide when to give a ticket and when to give a written warning?"
The officer stated, "It depends on ... the nature of the offense ... the condition of the road ... the weather ... the attitude of the offender ... or in this case I'm out of tickets."
================================================
2. "Computer programing is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime." (That one is for Walter) GRIN
================================================
3. "Have you heard that Teddy Kennedy is running for office in Baghdad? Since all the bridges were burned, he should be a shoo-in."
================================================
4. It's rather unnerving to realize that Dick Cheney is now an irregular heartbeat from the presidency... "
================================================
5. Bushisms: George Bush made one of the all-time misstatements one night at the College of Southern Idaho. Describing his close relationship with President Reagan, Bush said: "For 7 1/2 years I've worked alongside him, and I'm proud to be his partner. We've had triumphs, we've made mistakes, we've had sex."
"Setbacks," he quickly corrected. "We've had setbacks."
With a little smile, he then told the laughing audience, "I feel like the javelin competitor who won the toss and elected to receive."
(a remarkable recovery statement I might add)
================================================
Swez
Replies (10)
MrBrownstone on 11/29/2005 00:30:04
Q. What temperature is Santa Claus in Canada?
A. 90 proof
MrBrownstone on 11/30/2005 23:27:40
Swez was filling out a job application. They asked him his social security number. He filled in the blank____- 26
JMB on 12/2/2005 00:48:36
An Englishman an American and an Australian go to see a magical canyon that grants you one wish if you say it when you jump over the edge.
The American decides he is ready to try it, he closes his eyes and runs as fast as he can and jumps over the edge and yells out " ten billion dollars " He lands safely at the bottom with a bank check in his hands.
Next its the Englishman, he closes his eyes and steps over the edge and yells out " Jessica Simpson " he lands at the bottom and a bikini clad Jessica is waiting for him with a box of flavored condoms.
The Australian thinks to himself ' this looks easy ' he gets ready, he runs, and just as he jumps over the edge he looks down " Oh ****.....! " he yells.
swez on 12/2/2005 02:21:45
Hehe, that's a good one! I hope he (the Ausie) wished for a lot of poo to insure a soft landing.
Mr. B., as usual, you got your facts wrong. The last 4 digits are actually below 0026.
Hey, anyone heard anything about a shoulder fired rocket (Man-Pad) being fired at an American Airlines jet departing LAX on 11/25/05? LAX officials have clammed up the staff on this one.
They seem to be trying to pan this off as a bottle rocket or fireworks. But that won't cut it as the plane was reported at 5,000 - 6,000 feet up, when the pilot reported the siting. This too, would probably show up on radar records, which oddly cannot be located.
Douglas Hagman from Homeland Security, was on Coast to Coast AM with George Nory tonight, discussing the missing data, facts and the media blackout regarding this event. The plane (MD-80) was over the Pacific Ocean when this event took place. Hense, the projectile landed in the ocean and would be difficult to locate due to its size.
Best guess, all these "Laser painting" events we heard about earlier this year, may have been a pre-cursor to this event. Man-pads use Laser sites, some employ heat seeking guidance and a third type is RF guided. The laser types are the cheapest and least accurate for fast moving targets. Great as "Tank Busters" and at fixed objects. But one would have to be very proficient with such a device, to hit an object of this size at ~6,000 feet and going maybe 250 MPH.
Makes one think more about the real questions on PanAm #800 that went down a few years ago, out in the Atlantic Ocean. THINK
Swez
BgDustin4 on 12/6/2005 20:20:15
there is nothing to do lol to cold like u said i work on cars at school and at work don't feel like working on mine lol :(
MrBrownstone on 12/8/2005 03:01:33
And now, we feature Club Knowledge's syndicated column, SWEZ, ON LIFE:
When Swez started working, he thought a W-2 was a rarely called bingo number.
Swez's Girlfriend was SOOOO UGLY..he took her to the plastic surgeon, he added a tail
Swez, the MasterBaiter (master fisherman) says that he caught a fish that took him 2 hours to reel in. After he found it to be too small, he and 2 other guys threw it back.
Swez, the fishing historian, says that there are more fish taken out of a lake than were actually in it.
Swez in enroute to Florida, the state where the average age is deceased....
Swez says, "Florida hurricanes aren't tat bad. The other day, my car got 300 miles on a gallon".
Mr Brownstone is in California. He overheard 2 people talking Yiddish, and exclaimed, "HEY, you're in America now. Do what other Americans do, ...Speak SPANISH"
FLORIDA CHRISTMAS CAROL
I'm dreaming....of a TAN..... Christmas....
Mr B's roommate is such a bad cook, her dog barks, "BARF, BARF!!"
Mr B's Roommate is a sofisticated woman. She's so undomesticated, she tried to make instant coffee...but she lost the recipe.
She's such a bad cook, for her birthday, Mr B bought her an oven with a flush button.
Swez Says the beachs are so crowded in Florida, he had to dive in 3 times til he hit water.
His luck didn't get any better today, his water bed caught on fire.
Mr Brownstone isn't delinquent on his bills--he's just lonely. If he doesn't pay them, at least someone will call him concerned about where he is....:-)
Swez never learned anything in school because his teacher was Chinese...every time she gave him homework to take out.
Mr B takes so few baths, that when he did, his toy boat ran aground.
A Jewish doctor created a new miracle drug that keeps you alive til you pay the bill.
Swez & Mr B have similar girlfriends. They must be napkins because they are always on their laps. Can U say, NU D Bar?
San Diego Mafia is having a tough time making ends meet...they had to lay off 3 city councilmen.
What do a Tree Doctor and An Amazon Woman Doctor have in common? They can both die falling out of a patient. (think for a while)
Did you hear about the Gay Guy who was disqualified from the 100 yard dash because he was skipping. He thought it was a drag race.
What do you call a GAY dentist? A tooth Fairy. (that was too easy)
Did you hear about the gay marriage where on their wedding day, the couple tossed a coin to see who gets to wear the dress?
Whatdoya call a gay Italian? A Sissylian
PHEW!! I'm spent. Someone else take over. Mr Brownstone is a Gentleman. Men like Swez are rare...He should be well-done
MrBrownstone on 12/8/2005 03:05:19
ENCORE
College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Mr. Brownstone was invited over to Swez's pool for Drowning lessons.
Swez went to a mind reader that charged him 1/2 price.
Swez baths so rarely, The FBI put him on the unwanted list.
Brownstone is so irritating, you want to break him in 1/2,...but then there'd be 2 of him.
Hippie walks down the street with one shoe, B asks him, "did you lose a shoe?" Hippie says, "Nope, I found one."
Did you hear about the Lesbian hippie that cut up vegetables and then put in a dash of Marijuana...the salad tossed itself.
Did you hear about the Hippie that gave the dog fleas?
HOLLYWOOD Women....(are soooo easy)
their thighs have answering machines
their knees haven't met in years.
are like going out with a cafeteria, help yourself to whatever you want, then pay.
will never tell you when they're having a climax.. because you're not going to be there.
are sooo easy, they have landing lights on their stomachs
have had so many sailors, they go in & out with the tide
fool around so much, each knee thinks it's 'the only one'
work for the secret service..because they're always under covers
AND LASTLY,..
How Many Californians does it take to SCREW in a lightbulb? THREE...One to screw it in, and the other 2 to share the experience.
Victor on 12/13/2005 15:41:47
A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service"? "Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".
The interviewer tells the guy, "O K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00P.M. Then, why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that"
Harvester on 12/18/2005 11:43:04
lol thats funny
MrBrownstone on 12/25/2005 03:32:12
PREFACE: The following jokes were told to Mr B from a Jewish paralegal. She, in no way, endorses Mr B or this forum. However, she has agreed to share all of her humor, which is condensed below:
Why do Jewish women like a man who's circumcized? "Oh, honey, Jewish girls don't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off"
What do you call 8 BJ in December? Hanukkah Lewinsky
I'm sorry, but that's all the funnier she is.
1. Years ago a friend was driving his late '60s muscle car on a turnpike at about 100 MPH. Soon an officer sternly stated, "License and registration."
Several minutes later he returned with a written warning for driving 100 in a 65 zone.
The offender said, "Not to be disrespectful, but how do you decide when to give a ticket and when to give a written warning?"
The officer stated, "It depends on ... the nature of the offense ... the condition of the road ... the weather ... the attitude of the offender ... or in this case I'm out of tickets."
================================================
2. "Computer programing is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime." (That one is for Walter) GRIN
================================================
3. "Have you heard that Teddy Kennedy is running for office in Baghdad? Since all the bridges were burned, he should be a shoo-in."
================================================
4. It's rather unnerving to realize that Dick Cheney is now an irregular heartbeat from the presidency... "
================================================
5. Bushisms: George Bush made one of the all-time misstatements one night at the College of Southern Idaho. Describing his close relationship with President Reagan, Bush said: "For 7 1/2 years I've worked alongside him, and I'm proud to be his partner. We've had triumphs, we've made mistakes, we've had sex."
"Setbacks," he quickly corrected. "We've had setbacks."
With a little smile, he then told the laughing audience, "I feel like the javelin competitor who won the toss and elected to receive."
(a remarkable recovery statement I might add)
================================================
Swez
Replies (10)
MrBrownstone on 11/29/2005 00:30:04
Q. What temperature is Santa Claus in Canada?
A. 90 proof
MrBrownstone on 11/30/2005 23:27:40
Swez was filling out a job application. They asked him his social security number. He filled in the blank____- 26
JMB on 12/2/2005 00:48:36
An Englishman an American and an Australian go to see a magical canyon that grants you one wish if you say it when you jump over the edge.
The American decides he is ready to try it, he closes his eyes and runs as fast as he can and jumps over the edge and yells out " ten billion dollars " He lands safely at the bottom with a bank check in his hands.
Next its the Englishman, he closes his eyes and steps over the edge and yells out " Jessica Simpson " he lands at the bottom and a bikini clad Jessica is waiting for him with a box of flavored condoms.
The Australian thinks to himself ' this looks easy ' he gets ready, he runs, and just as he jumps over the edge he looks down " Oh ****.....! " he yells.
swez on 12/2/2005 02:21:45
Hehe, that's a good one! I hope he (the Ausie) wished for a lot of poo to insure a soft landing.
Mr. B., as usual, you got your facts wrong. The last 4 digits are actually below 0026.
Hey, anyone heard anything about a shoulder fired rocket (Man-Pad) being fired at an American Airlines jet departing LAX on 11/25/05? LAX officials have clammed up the staff on this one.
They seem to be trying to pan this off as a bottle rocket or fireworks. But that won't cut it as the plane was reported at 5,000 - 6,000 feet up, when the pilot reported the siting. This too, would probably show up on radar records, which oddly cannot be located.
Douglas Hagman from Homeland Security, was on Coast to Coast AM with George Nory tonight, discussing the missing data, facts and the media blackout regarding this event. The plane (MD-80) was over the Pacific Ocean when this event took place. Hense, the projectile landed in the ocean and would be difficult to locate due to its size.
Best guess, all these "Laser painting" events we heard about earlier this year, may have been a pre-cursor to this event. Man-pads use Laser sites, some employ heat seeking guidance and a third type is RF guided. The laser types are the cheapest and least accurate for fast moving targets. Great as "Tank Busters" and at fixed objects. But one would have to be very proficient with such a device, to hit an object of this size at ~6,000 feet and going maybe 250 MPH.
Makes one think more about the real questions on PanAm #800 that went down a few years ago, out in the Atlantic Ocean. THINK
Swez
BgDustin4 on 12/6/2005 20:20:15
there is nothing to do lol to cold like u said i work on cars at school and at work don't feel like working on mine lol :(
MrBrownstone on 12/8/2005 03:01:33
And now, we feature Club Knowledge's syndicated column, SWEZ, ON LIFE:
When Swez started working, he thought a W-2 was a rarely called bingo number.
Swez's Girlfriend was SOOOO UGLY..he took her to the plastic surgeon, he added a tail
Swez, the MasterBaiter (master fisherman) says that he caught a fish that took him 2 hours to reel in. After he found it to be too small, he and 2 other guys threw it back.
Swez, the fishing historian, says that there are more fish taken out of a lake than were actually in it.
Swez in enroute to Florida, the state where the average age is deceased....
Swez says, "Florida hurricanes aren't tat bad. The other day, my car got 300 miles on a gallon".
Mr Brownstone is in California. He overheard 2 people talking Yiddish, and exclaimed, "HEY, you're in America now. Do what other Americans do, ...Speak SPANISH"
FLORIDA CHRISTMAS CAROL
I'm dreaming....of a TAN..... Christmas....
Mr B's roommate is such a bad cook, her dog barks, "BARF, BARF!!"
Mr B's Roommate is a sofisticated woman. She's so undomesticated, she tried to make instant coffee...but she lost the recipe.
She's such a bad cook, for her birthday, Mr B bought her an oven with a flush button.
Swez Says the beachs are so crowded in Florida, he had to dive in 3 times til he hit water.
His luck didn't get any better today, his water bed caught on fire.
Mr Brownstone isn't delinquent on his bills--he's just lonely. If he doesn't pay them, at least someone will call him concerned about where he is....:-)
Swez never learned anything in school because his teacher was Chinese...every time she gave him homework to take out.
Mr B takes so few baths, that when he did, his toy boat ran aground.
A Jewish doctor created a new miracle drug that keeps you alive til you pay the bill.
Swez & Mr B have similar girlfriends. They must be napkins because they are always on their laps. Can U say, NU D Bar?
San Diego Mafia is having a tough time making ends meet...they had to lay off 3 city councilmen.
What do a Tree Doctor and An Amazon Woman Doctor have in common? They can both die falling out of a patient. (think for a while)
Did you hear about the Gay Guy who was disqualified from the 100 yard dash because he was skipping. He thought it was a drag race.
What do you call a GAY dentist? A tooth Fairy. (that was too easy)
Did you hear about the gay marriage where on their wedding day, the couple tossed a coin to see who gets to wear the dress?
Whatdoya call a gay Italian? A Sissylian
PHEW!! I'm spent. Someone else take over. Mr Brownstone is a Gentleman. Men like Swez are rare...He should be well-done
MrBrownstone on 12/8/2005 03:05:19
ENCORE
College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Mr. Brownstone was invited over to Swez's pool for Drowning lessons.
Swez went to a mind reader that charged him 1/2 price.
Swez baths so rarely, The FBI put him on the unwanted list.
Brownstone is so irritating, you want to break him in 1/2,...but then there'd be 2 of him.
Hippie walks down the street with one shoe, B asks him, "did you lose a shoe?" Hippie says, "Nope, I found one."
Did you hear about the Lesbian hippie that cut up vegetables and then put in a dash of Marijuana...the salad tossed itself.
Did you hear about the Hippie that gave the dog fleas?
HOLLYWOOD Women....(are soooo easy)
their thighs have answering machines
their knees haven't met in years.
are like going out with a cafeteria, help yourself to whatever you want, then pay.
will never tell you when they're having a climax.. because you're not going to be there.
are sooo easy, they have landing lights on their stomachs
have had so many sailors, they go in & out with the tide
fool around so much, each knee thinks it's 'the only one'
work for the secret service..because they're always under covers
AND LASTLY,..
How Many Californians does it take to SCREW in a lightbulb? THREE...One to screw it in, and the other 2 to share the experience.
Victor on 12/13/2005 15:41:47
A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service"? "Yes" he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way"?
The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off".
The interviewer tells the guy, "O K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A. M.
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A. M. to 4:00P.M. Then, why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls....... no point in you coming in for that"
Harvester on 12/18/2005 11:43:04
lol thats funny
MrBrownstone on 12/25/2005 03:32:12
PREFACE: The following jokes were told to Mr B from a Jewish paralegal. She, in no way, endorses Mr B or this forum. However, she has agreed to share all of her humor, which is condensed below:
Why do Jewish women like a man who's circumcized? "Oh, honey, Jewish girls don't touch anything unless it's at least 10% off"
What do you call 8 BJ in December? Hanukkah Lewinsky
I'm sorry, but that's all the funnier she is.
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