A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B".
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted,."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code.
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've Fallen and can't Get up
Replies (13)
uochronos on 02/28/2005 14:16:30
LMAO thats hilarious Mr.B.... i new a girl with GG's in highschool she got a reductions literaly like a moneth after she turned 18 and her parents could stop her,
chronos
gearhead on 02/28/2005 15:02:29
And than there's a the Cowboy bra.
Rounds them up and heads them out.
montego_27 on 02/28/2005 16:44:04
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish.
Off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 dollars on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 10 dollars on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The guy says that he is only attracted to Indian women. So he is ushered into one of the rooms.
In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"
Sorry Victor, hehe
MrBrownstone on 02/28/2005 18:35:56
OMG!!! That's Terrible. But heh, it coincides with our regional rivalry. :-)
A few paragraphs would help the reading of that one!
montego_27 on 02/28/2005 19:13:31
Just trying to do my part......
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:07:10
hehehehehe... not bad.. that was a nice one.. I wud wish to be lucky too...lol
Victor..
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:27:03
An christian priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"
Grizzly old Mike at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the bowl of water."
The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me why he'd drink from the bowl of water?"
"Sure I can tell you why, Father." replied Mike, "Because he's an ass...."
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:33:01
One hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:49:57
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a brother."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common?
They both have plastic juggs.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa( thats the name of an indian character, not the Santa Clause) was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there`s nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly.
Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn`t come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize that Santa was crying and wasn`t drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, that`s the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Thats it for now.. will be back with more..hehe
Victor...
swez on 03/1/2005 06:35:03
Oh brother.... Victor's on a roll here. Somebody please stop that guy fast! LOL
On the first day of school, the teacher (Ms. Ames) was taking role call and assigning seats. One young boy (nicknamed Mountain Dew) was ask for his name. Dew replied... " I won't tell you my name... but will give you a hint... it'll tickle your innards".
Without batting an eye, the teacher replied... "OK... Dicky... go sit in the back row".
===================================================
Mr. B. You got it all wrong mang! That Baptist Bra thing I mean. The Baptist Bra is: Uptight, Outta Sight and a few fries short of a Happy meal !
MI Bad?
MrBrownstone on 03/1/2005 12:20:51
Wow!
I guess we didn't know Vic had a standup act. I yield the throne of stand up to a more qualified candidate.
I'm gonna start the Noth vs South on another post. I've got some ammo for it. :-)
Victor on 03/1/2005 14:05:45
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I''d rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I''d rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absoultion and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he recieved absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "American."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Canadian."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Wisconsin."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Vancouver."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "John."
Replied the other, "Tim."
A few hours later, John managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Tim responded, "Sagittarius."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."
He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.
Bartender says to Brian, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"
Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"
The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"
Brian replied, "Well today's the last day!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Bloody Mary
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Enuf for now.. be back soon.. hehe
Victor...
MrBrownstone on 03/1/2005 15:19:36
Victor, you scare me
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted,."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady, "we don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type".
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, "So what are the differences?"
The lady responded, "Well, it's really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, "So, what is the Baptist type for?"
"They", she replied, "make mountains out of molehills".
Have you ever wondered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes? Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code.
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't complain
D. Dang!
DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've Fallen and can't Get up
Replies (13)
uochronos on 02/28/2005 14:16:30
LMAO thats hilarious Mr.B.... i new a girl with GG's in highschool she got a reductions literaly like a moneth after she turned 18 and her parents could stop her,
chronos
gearhead on 02/28/2005 15:02:29
And than there's a the Cowboy bra.
Rounds them up and heads them out.
montego_27 on 02/28/2005 16:44:04
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish.
Off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 dollars on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 10 dollars on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.
The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The guy says that he is only attracted to Indian women. So he is ushered into one of the rooms.
In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"
Sorry Victor, hehe
MrBrownstone on 02/28/2005 18:35:56
OMG!!! That's Terrible. But heh, it coincides with our regional rivalry. :-)
A few paragraphs would help the reading of that one!
montego_27 on 02/28/2005 19:13:31
Just trying to do my part......
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:07:10
hehehehehe... not bad.. that was a nice one.. I wud wish to be lucky too...lol
Victor..
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:27:03
An christian priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"
Grizzly old Mike at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the bowl of water."
The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me why he'd drink from the bowl of water?"
"Sure I can tell you why, Father." replied Mike, "Because he's an ass...."
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:33:01
One hungry Bush...
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."
Victor on 03/1/2005 02:49:57
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a brother."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common?
They both have plastic juggs.
------------------------------------------------------------------
What does J.Lo and a doorknobs have in common?
Everyone gets a turn.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife, Jeeto, with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Banta", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Ramta then?" he asked.
"No !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" Jeeto snapped.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Penis Requests a Raise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa( thats the name of an indian character, not the Santa Clause) was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
Santa, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then realized that there`s nobody behind the wheel! The car starts very slowly.
Santa looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life. He hasn`t come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel. Santa, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Santa, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize that Santa was crying and wasn`t drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, that`s the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------
An executive was stessed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Thats it for now.. will be back with more..hehe
Victor...
swez on 03/1/2005 06:35:03
Oh brother.... Victor's on a roll here. Somebody please stop that guy fast! LOL
On the first day of school, the teacher (Ms. Ames) was taking role call and assigning seats. One young boy (nicknamed Mountain Dew) was ask for his name. Dew replied... " I won't tell you my name... but will give you a hint... it'll tickle your innards".
Without batting an eye, the teacher replied... "OK... Dicky... go sit in the back row".
===================================================
Mr. B. You got it all wrong mang! That Baptist Bra thing I mean. The Baptist Bra is: Uptight, Outta Sight and a few fries short of a Happy meal !
MI Bad?
MrBrownstone on 03/1/2005 12:20:51
Wow!
I guess we didn't know Vic had a standup act. I yield the throne of stand up to a more qualified candidate.
I'm gonna start the Noth vs South on another post. I've got some ammo for it. :-)
Victor on 03/1/2005 14:05:45
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I''d rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I''d rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absoultion and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he recieved absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.
The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
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Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: They're all married.
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Got Any Grapes?
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
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A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "American."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Canadian."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Wisconsin."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Vancouver."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "John."
Replied the other, "Tim."
A few hours later, John managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Tim responded, "Sagittarius."
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Brian walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of the strongest thing you've got."
He takes the shot glass and knocks it back. He then asks for another one and knocks that on back, too. After about five or six of these the bartender decides that he's going to cut the guy off.
Bartender says to Brian, "Hey, what's wrong with you? Did you have a fight with your wife or something?"
Santa sighs and says, "Yeah, after the fight she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a whole month!"
The bartender, puzzled, says, "Well, what's wrong with that?"
Brian replied, "Well today's the last day!"
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Bloody Mary
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
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Enuf for now.. be back soon.. hehe
Victor...
MrBrownstone on 03/1/2005 15:19:36
Victor, you scare me
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